She's a Daddy's Girl

I apologize in advance for the downbeat tone of this post.

So tonight was our Church's annual Daddy Daughter Dance. I was asked to help in the kitchen and I said yes, as I always do. Later I realised, why on earth did I volunteer for this. It is one thing that always breaks my heart, when you're at weddings, debut's, or watching movies. You see I don't have the best Daddy Daughter Relationship. I know some have it worse, they don't even have a dad, and I am so thankful that I have a Dad that actually stuck around no matter how often he has threatened to leave us and just stuff that happened right after I was born, (which I recently learnt about) but thats gotta count for something right?

You see me and my dad haven't been close since I was about 6 maybe. Around this time was when he started heavily drinking, was never home, and started fighting with my ma profusely. And its pretty much been like that since. Half the time I think he wish I was never born, because I am not good enough for him. Which is why I am so abumdantly thankful that I am perfect in God's eyes and I have an amazing family of friends who give me more support than I could ever want.

There was a song or two that have some history that I left the room for (my brown eyed girl, and John Mayer's Daughter,  aswell as Maroon5's Sunday Morning I can't listen to). After a while I did end up finding the whole thing absolutely adorable. Talking to Pastor Helen she said "There are somethings Dad will do out there for their princess that they won't do for anyone else". And its true, all the Dad's were dancing like complete goofs jumping up and down with their little girls. It was actually magical. Even the older daughters were getting down and goofy with their fathers. Its such an inspirtation to see such healthy father daughter relationships. It makes me excited for my relationship with my dad one day and the relationship my children will have with their father. I am just so thankful for my Daddy upstairs and that he's more than enough.

God's Road Map

I love the people god has placed in my life.

We had our leaders dinner tonight. It was pretty rad. A house full of some of the most amazing inspirational people i know, what could be better? Jenna blessed us with a fantastic meal. I think its the best home cooked meal i've ever had, besides my momma's rice that I love so darn much.

Jenna and Koby took a portion of the night to appreciate us and speak into each of our lives, which was so inspirational. Sometime you don't realise how you look in someone else's perspective. But Koby also talked about disciples and how we're creating future leaders to meet our goals; bringing our youth into their roles as young leaders in their church. Thats definately been on my heart with my girls lately. Many of them are going into their senior years so the peer pressure is getting more intense for them to drink and party it up, and to ultimately stray from their morals. Which i know each of them has very strong morals. I'm proud of them, when they mess up they know and they fully trust us enough to tell us when they do. But I want ALL of them to one day be Wildfire leaders and that all starts now. Its our jobs to lead them up to that and lead them to what God has planned for them.

I have hope for these girls. No, more like i'm conifident in these girls that they have the ability to do more than great things and that one day they will be marvolous women of God even more than they are now. And that sometime in the near future many of them will be standing among our leadership team. I'll keep telling them that until i'm blue in the face.

RIP Samantha Mattersdorfer

Yesterday I lost a friend to cancer. I have posted about her awhile back about her fight with Cancer. Lately it had gotten so bad that she could physically feel the tumor's all over her body and was in much pain having seisures everyday.

Samantha was an inspiration in many peoples lives. She lived like she didn't have cancer at most times and made the most of her life. She did countless fundraisers and raised several thousands of dollars for the Terry Fox Foundation. I do not know the exact number she raised, and donations in her name are surely not over. She was definately a fighter and one of the bravest people I have ever known.

This is a copy of a speach she gave at a fundraisher in September 2009-

Im Samantha Mattersdorfer, Im 18 years old and I am battling cancer.



It was april 08 11:30pm, just last year. I was in this little office cramed in like a bunch of sardines with the doctor, my mom and my little brother. Dr. Stephen Maloon looked so hesitant. It was like he didnt know what to tell me or how to say it.
all I can remember is looking at the computer screen and seeing that my left femur bone in my leg looked pretty different then the right but Im no medical doctor how am I suppose to know what going on. Im only 17. Dr. Maloons words still ring in my head “Samantha this doesnt look good”
He finally came out and told me that I had Osteosarcoma. The cancer, had been eatting through my bone marrow , broke outside of the femur bone and started growing on my left knee. He said it looked like I had Osteosarcoma 6-8 before I even had any symptoms or pains. He was so shocked that I was walking on it because the bone was so hollow.
Im not the type to cry or shed emotions but one single tear ran down my face, “ Well, what do we do about it.” I asked. I still remember the look on my moms face or the doctor. I know they probably thought I didnt get it but I did. Cancer was going to be my new life.
On the way home we had to pick up crutches. I couldnt risk breaking the bone. It felt so surreal. I didnt know what just happened. I sat around for at least 2 weeks before chemo started. Just try to research and find out more about this cancer. I felt like I needed to figure this out. The cancer is so under researched and lacking in information I felt like I was reading the same thing over and over again.
We got all packed up and put into the car for my first chemo with my overnight bag and my crutches. I remember not wanting to go. I dont know if it was from my stubborn personality or from the dislike of hospitals but I really didnt want to do this. I knew though that this was the best

Chemo Day One- Went terrible. My mom stayed the whole day with me. It was so late and she needed to get home. She could have stayed but a tired mom wouldnt have been any help to me. She agreed to leave around 2:30am. And come back around 6ish. At 4am the same morning, I rolled over to throw up and I heard something crack, followed by a sharp pain. I broke my leg.
I let out the loudest scream while frantically hitting the panic button. I didnt know what to do. I was more upset with myself because I broke the one rule set by the doctors, do not break your leg!
I knew what would happen if I broke my leg. It was given, I wouldnt get to keep my leg and get the rods put into where my hollow femur was. My leg would hvve to be removed to save my life and I would have to give the permission to do so. 7 days later after the break, while in so much pain and upset, I got transfered to VGH.
Surgery was scheduled for the morning after arrival. After the 4 hour surgery. I woke up. It was adifferent sight to see something you were born with to be removed and never be able to have your leg again. I had such a need to be normal, that after the surgery I was moving around and adjusting to my new miniture leg in ICU.
5 month ago, I was diagnosed with Terminal Osteosarcoma Me-tast-isis. The cancer has now spread to both my lungs through my bloodstream. I have a combined total of 20 tumors. Broken up into 10 in each lung. This was a 90% chance after I broke my leg. Now with a 20% survival rate after 5 years and no option to do surgery. I just hope to raise awareness.
There isnt many people like Terry Fox and myself, which can have both disadvantages and advantages. I hope every year when I raise funds that I am helping others like ourselves. Without the Terry Fox foundation we could still be at square one with no answers. I dont only do this run for bone cancer, I do this for everyone who has been touched with cancer. People who have survived, people who have passed away, people like myself who battle it everyday. One day I know with everyones help, cancer will be gone.
Last Terry Fox Run I did it while in my 5th round of chemo. It was something very important to my family. In five days I raised $8000 dollars. This year, I broke that record.
My father works for TSI Terminals. I had an opportunity to raise more money for the foundation with a sponsership from TSI. The opportunity was that TSI will match the amount that I raise by myself dollar to dollar to make my grand total way bigger. I would love to announce that at this moment with the TSI dollar match I have a combined total of.....
$ 14,640


I could write about her forever about her abundant heart, kindness, comical attitude. I remeber working with her she was always full of energy and joking around. She meant a great deal in my life even though I didn't get to see her much because of her condition. She was always in my thoughts and prayers.

RIP Samantha Mattersdorfer

November 26 1990-November 9 2010

I will always remember you and this night.

And your love for twilight, the Canucks and the Bc Lions

Free To Dream

"The longer i keep putting it off the longer it can stay a dream and i can't screw it up" Ted Mosby

So much on my mind over the last week I don't know how many thoughts have been ricocheting around my head. And every day over the last week whether it be on the bus walking across campus God has strategically put little things in my place to stop me from thinking or the opposite make me think about something.

 This evening I read my message thread and just sat there and though how this sucks half of my best friends are one the other side of the world and how much I just wish we could all be together because we're so strong when we're together. I went down stairs and my mom was watching How I Met your Mother so I sat down and watched for a few minutes then Ted Mosby said that quote...or something along the lines. I realised this doesn't suck, this is amazing. Their living these huge dreams god has put before them and one by one all of us are gonna take flight on ours. Paula going to Bible school then/or Spain and I don't want Gabs to go but maybe Italy for her? Who knows maybe I'll end up in Ireland or Scotland or maybe just here. Everything has always pointed to Interior Design and I know that isn't the big picture. When your little you think your career is the big picture but what you do with your life and "what you become" isn't necessarily your career. I think Interior Design is just a start to what I really wanna do. Flip house and help families who don't have a home that adequates them. Like those who are special needs and need specialized homes, or people that have been devastated and need their home fixed; Something like Extreme Home Makeover without the show. I just need to keep praying and wait God will reveal things in his time I feel like what I'm doing right now is just right.

Anyways that's been my thoughts this last week. And how I need to study more instead of just two days before things.

Our Hope Endures

Its been a super interesting week. Full of bad news, dissapointments, and surprises. Yesterday I think was the day I felt it and ended up crying work...twice. But today was a different day. Even though it sometime feels like the world is ending and I just wanna curl up in a corner and cry for a day, (which i did for 15 minutes last night, but its good to cry/pray it out), after all of that I know god's got it covered. The picture is so much bigger and god knows the beggining and the end. And it definately brings be back to my favourtie scripture;

Do not be afraid for I am with you, Do not be discouraged for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you, I will hold you up with my victorius right hand.
Isaiah 41:10

Just gotta keep that smile on my face even if I have to build myself up with prayer and sing worship in my head all day, cause the storm will end.

'When the walls close in around me, I have nothing but to offer you my life.
When the suffering's all that I see, may i walk with you by faith and not by sight.'